party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
