Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
