Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
