i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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