I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
