I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
