You don't have asthma, your pregnant
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
