Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
