dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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