Who wears a wallet chain?!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
