Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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