I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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