how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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