I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
