pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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