Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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