We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
