he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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