In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
