ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my liver is dry heaving
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
