I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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