xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize