I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
