guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have already put on my inside pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
