I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
