You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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