So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize