Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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