Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
