What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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