This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
