I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
