I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
