I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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