hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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