I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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