it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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