Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
