I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
