Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
