you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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