I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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