i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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