i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
