im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
