listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
