I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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