Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
