i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
