my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Never underestimate the power of titties
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
