Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
either way he was missing a nipple.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize