Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
