she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
