Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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