Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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