oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize