There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
