I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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