I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
