I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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