Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Randomize
