So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you would pick up someone in the library
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
