just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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