He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
